Ministry is life, life is ministry
It’s been one month. I don’t even know what to say next. To say I’ve learned so much would be an understatement, to say I haven’t doubted my calling to be here would be a lie, and to say I knew exactly what I was getting myself into would be an overstatement. I’ve heard language and conversations on topics I never wanted to hear. I’ve seen blatant disrespect and anger over the smallest of things. I’ve been accepted by someone in one moment only to be rejected by them in the next. I’ve experienced personal doubt over things I’ve said and done, and not said or not done. I’ve doubted my ability to make connections with my girls (the eight girl residents currently in my house) and to be someone who truly makes an impact in their lives. I’ve wrestled with the balance of showing grace and being firm. How to have fun and still maintain order and structure. How to listen more and talk less. How to ask questions and not share so much of my own personal views. It’s hard to be in a place where everything I’m good at and able to offer them, they don’t want and verbally reject and put me down for it. They don’t want to talk about God, they don’t want to set goals for themselves, they don’t want to learn how to be organized, they don’t want structure, they don’t enjoy working hard, they don’t want accountability, they don’t want to keep things clean. So why am I here again?
To listen to someone whose family conflict and traumatic experiences has pushed them into drugs so they can escape their reality. To hug a girl who never received physical care and love as a child and needs it now in her teenage years. To say ‘no’ in love to a girl who has never been told ‘no’ to before. To constantly be asking questions to help my girls think through the things they are struggling with. To greet them at the door as they come back from school to show them I am expecting them and missed them while they were gone. To have their meals prepared in a timely manner so they can get on to their next events. To show them grace when they don’t complete their chore correctly for the umpteenth time. To speak kindly to a girl who I know doesn’t approve of the way I do things. To be patient with the one who is always the last to be ready. To be a 7:30am to 9:30pm example of maturity, patience, love, joy, gentleness, kindness, forgiveness, and justice every day. I’m walking in foreign waters and constantly bumping into foreign objects. Most days my attempts of balancing everything I need to be, do, say, feel, accomplish, and complete feels like a waiter trying to balance dishes using both his hands and his head who almost makes it to the kitchen door when he slips on a banana peel and all the dishes go up in the air. I have had some really good days though so I don’t want you to think I’m dreading every day and every day is a complete flop. God is showing me so much about so much. I miss the way God spoke to me on the Race though. How I so easily poured out my heart to Him and was able to focus on Him and just be in His presence. It just hasn’t been the same and I’m struggling with that more than I’ve probably even admitted to myself. I’ve done such a poor job of communicating this first month I’ve been here in Texas. I’ll try and do better moving forward. I need as much prayer and support now as I did on the Race because I know how powerful prayer is and how God answered so many of my prayers because of those who were faithfully praying for me back home. Here are a few specific things you could be praying with me for this month: 1. Boldness and confidence in every word and action 2. To be able to wake up right when my alarm goes off and start my day 3. To be quick to listen and ask good questions 4. To be a selfless, loving servant 5. For the fire of the Holy Spirit to be rekindled in me 6. For my girls to see Christ in everything I do Thank you for walking this journey with me. This past weekend I had an amazing time having my parents and Grandma out here in Texas showing them a little bit of my life here. They got to attend a conference at Heartlight Ministries and see the campus and I was able to share with them more of what I do on the day-to-day. So glad I was able to introduce them to some coworkers, meet the couple whose house I stay at on the weekends, and visit my church here in Longview. If you have any questions let me know!
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When packing for Mexico mission trips in high school all I needed were grungy jeans, lots of work t-shirts and one decent church outfit. When packing to teach in Mexico I needed a black skirt, white shirts, a blazer, black heels, kitchen utensils, furniture, all my bedding, coffee maker, and a whole lot of other stuff. When packing for the World Race I needed a mattress pad, a sleeping bag, 3 t-shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 skirts, 5 pairs of socks, a new set of underwear to open halfway through the trip (best thing ever), and one big backpack to cram everything into. Packing for Texas has been a big mindset change. It’s a mix of packing for working/teaching in Mexico and the World Race. I find myself thinking I can only take 3 t-shirts and 2 pairs of shoes or I need 4 sticks of deodorant and shampoo to last the whole year.
Every season of life is different obviously. You’re not going to need the same thing for every season. What you may need for one season, you may not need for the next. What worked in one season might not work the same in the next. What was important in one season may seem irrelevant in the next. It’s important to make sure you’ve taken the time to pack what you need for each new season. I think that’s one thing I’ve been struggling with: planning and thinking like this season is going to be like my season on the Race. Undoubtably everything I learned on the Race I will apply and live out in Texas, but my packing list looks completely different. I will get to bring my own coffee maker, a fan, real blankets, my plants, and a whole lot more clothes. I will be a five hour car drive away from home instead of a 24 hour flight. I will be living on the same campus and working with the same people every day instead of moving countries every month. So many things will be different but from past experiences I know different usually results in the most personal growth and sweetest memories with new friends. So the question is, am I ready for this next season? Have I packed what I needed? Have I taken the necessary steps to prepare myself as best I can to be successful? I feel a whole lot less prepared for this season than I did when entering my season for the World Race. But I had several months to prepare for the Race and I feel like I’ve only had about a week to prepare for Texas. Yes I’ve known for a month or two that I’m going to Texas but continuing to work up until last week, I feel I haven’t really had the time I would have liked to prepare. But again, every season is different. Some seasons you get more time to prepare and in others you are forced into them without a minutes warning. As quickly as this season has come, I am prepared and ready to start unpacking in my new season at Texas. How many times have you heard the phrase "God works in mysterious ways"? Probably just a couple, right? This year has been nothing like I thought or would have ever been able to imagine. I think that's what most people would say about 2020. But I watch as God worked in the most mysterious ways, all for my good and His glory. I went from living one of my best years to having it all striped from me with no warning signs. In March, I was finishing up a month living in Thailand on the World Race, looking forward to the next three months living in Ecuador, Peru, Chile, and Argentina. Waking up to a call at 6am at the deaf church in Udon Thani, Thailand informing us we were being pulled from the field, changed all of that. Less than a week after that call, I was back home, wide eyed and in continual shock. I spent the next five months trying to adapt, regroup, process, and plan for whatever was coming next. What I ended up doing, I didn't want to do and I actually prayed prayed really hard thatI wouldn't get the job I've now been at for the past five months. But turns out, it was exactly what I needed. Shocker. Another one of God's mysteries revealed. It wasn't what I was wanting in that season but it was what God knew I needed. He's been teaching me that a lot this year. Now, He's asking me to trust Him again as he leads me a whopping 320 miles away to Hallsville, Texas (I spent three years in college further away from home than that). Sometimes the hardest mission fields are the ones closest to home. This domestic ministry might seem the most foreign to me yet. Of all the places I could live, in country or out, I think Texas would be at the very bottom of the list. No offense, I'm just not a big fan of Texas. If I had any ex's, they would live in Texas. The first week of January I'll be heading down to Texas to spend the next year pouring out/into young teenagers who are going through the most difficult times of their lives. I have not even begun to process or really prepare for what I'm about to step into. It's not that I haven't had time, although it has been limited. It's like I haven't fully grasped what I need to do to prepare and I think that's been the biggest struggle. When I was preparing for the Race I knew exactly what I needed to do and how to do it in order to be prepared, well more or less. I feel completely lost this go around. But I'm trying. Small steps. Balancing trying to finish the job I'm at well in the next few weeks, celebrating Christmas, being present at home, and preparing to move to Texas. So that's where I'm at. I wanted to give a short introductory of what's been going on since the end of my Race and where I'm headed in the very near future. I want to use this blog to share prayer requests, my experiences and let you join in this adventure with me. I can't do what God has called me to without faithful prayer partners. It was so encouraging to receive replies to my blogs on the Race from people just saying they were praying for me and thinking about me. Would you commit to doing that again? Or maybe for you it will be the first time and that's great! I know I can't do this alone. I need my brothers and sisters in Christ to surround me every day with their prayers and bring me before our Father and ask Him to use me every minute of every day to be the hands, feet, voice, and listening ears of Jesus to these teenagers. Please let me know if you have questions about what I'm going to be doing at Heartlight (although I'm not really sure myself) or anything else you want to know. 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